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Covidability: Reframing Your Wishlist

by Staff Writer

June 24, 2020

That’s Random

Covidability: Reframing Your Wishlist

Suitability, compatibility – even fuckability – must now concede some space to what has become a new category: Covidability.

Does your partner have what it takes when shit goes down?

By Alyssa Saturley

As I enter my fifth month of isolation here on Boy Island, I’m re-screening Girls.

This attempt to reclaim a small area of my mind for the comfortable and familiar has made me aware of something: Coupling has drastically changed when peering through the Covid lens.

Suitability, compatibility – even fuckability – must now concede some space to what has become a new category: Covidability.
Does your partner have what it takes when shit goes down?
As Hannah’s relationship with Adam bourgeons into something more than late night rendezvous, Adam struggles with his need for creative expression. His first chef d’oevre? Construction of a wooden watercraft in the middle of his living room. In his bachelor suite. In Brooklyn.

Hannah and Adam, in Girls
It’s a selfish, disruptive, hapless endeavour. But he wants to build a boat! I can’t help but think that 2013 me, in the midst of our great Calgary flood, would have thought he bore further consideration.

As divorce rates have climbed by over 30% worldwide, (even higher in Canada), will people be adding skills such as advanced IT troubleshooting, sourdough starter coddling and high seller ratings on FB Marketplace to their list of nice-to-haves (never mind must-haves)?

The big questions, the dealbreakers like religion, children and lifestyle fall by the wayside when the toilet’s clogged and no plumber will come. Which one of us is trained in the fine art of plunging?

Reddit is on fire with upvotes for posters in pursuit of relationships, but with a twist. Those feeling skittish about physical closeness are harking back to all-but-forgotten courtship tactics.

Sure, we’re in the Dick Pick Era, but not everyone’s up for hanging brain right now.

There’s an equation that bears critical thought: Mate Value. In a pre-1970’s Me Generation twist, it’s not about what you’re seeking, but instead, a self-evaluation of what you have to offer.

What are you bringing to the table? Is your post-coital banter indelible? Does refinishing your hardwood floors sound like a rewarding weekend getaway for two? Have you ever applied the words “putting up preserves” to a real-life situation in which you actually participated?

Call to Arms! Time for us all to reach into our bag of tricks and retrieve that long lost skill or sensibility we’ve kept hidden away. This is your rainy day! It may be of some use now.

I’ve taught myself to clean out the filter in our dishwasher. I finally finished Infinite Jest. I cannot, however, carry a tune. (Although my 8-year-old son thinks I’m a candidate for American Idol).

In the land mine peppered field that is Hollywood marriages, however, blaming Covid-19 for the dissolving of several power-couple unions of late seems blatantly feeble.

I have to wonder about the Sarkozys. Mary Kate lodged her divorce petition on May 14. At the time, courts in the Big Apple were undergoing an eight-week moratorium due to the health crisis. But this was an EMERGENCY.
Maybe they were not the intellectual match she had hoped for? Or perhaps he tired of bending at the waist to kiss her. My bet is on option #3: The Ex-Wife Showed Up (and was the only one who knew how to use a coffeemaker).

But for Hannah and Adam, those two loveably flawed yearlings flitting in and out of the constructs of their own minds on an hourly basis? How would they do, faced with quarantine? As Hannah says “I’m busy trying to become who I am.”

And I wonder, aren’t we all?


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